journal Archive

Had a great shoot tonight. Beautiful girl of a flavor I love to shoot, unique and individualistic and passionate and intense with a lot of star quality, great model and actual potential friend.

Fell asleep pretty soon after.

Still got a sad girl thing going on though.

Still got a sad artist thing going on.

Still got a disillusioned with what I used to care about thing going on.

I feel like I missed the boat believing in higher ideals while everyone else was out to for $$ or one-upping the next guy.

Some sexist bullshit from various adult webmasters I know is making me beserk.

Some sexist bullshit from various rocker guys I know is making me beserk.

I know I just have bizarrely bad PMS. Way worse than normal and way way worse than I’ve had it for a while. I don’t usually drink, so maybe all the “fun” I’ve been having lately has caused this.

Whatever it is, I find myself wishing more and more often that I were either 18 or dead.

I’m not really a girl

So my family had a lot of dough when I was a kid.

A little girl in my class once asked me if my family was rich.

I asked my father if we were.

He said no, we were well-to-do.

My family is littered with ex-millionaires.

None of us like to buckle under to pressure even when the payoffs are huge.

Hubris, dignity, lack of materialism, inability to grasp the evil nature of our fellow man, one of those things.

I got good grades.

I went to a good school.

I graduated to become a broke-ass punk-rocker.

I was happy about a lot of things and thought I just needed to be more accomplished and be able to pay my bills.

Now I think I need some custom rims for my Town Car and probably a new Town Car to go with them.

I am so sick of biters who wish they could claim my accomplishments that I am afraid to state here what design I want for fear someone else will rip it off.

Now I think I need a three million dollar house so I can get a big dog who will love me the way I want to be loved.

Now I think I should have been a man.

My personality is so much better suited to being male.

Girls tend to change who they are based on who they are dating that week.

Boys tend to have stronger core senses of self.

Boys also tend to think they can’t be friends with girls, but they sure wouldn’t mind getting some sex.

A lot of times they don’t even really want the sex, just feel obligated to pursue it.

I’ve got that horrible weepy sort of PMS that makes me feel like the biggest pussy in the universe.

Pardon the word choice.

I like to say cunt when I’m speaking from a position of power.

So my family had a lot of dough when I was a kid.
A little girl in my class once asked me if my family was rich.
I asked my father if we were.
He said no, we were well-to-do.

My family is littered with ex-millionaires.
None of us like to buckle under to pressure even when the payoffs are huge.
Hubris, dignity, lack of materialism, inability to grasp the evil nature of our fellow man, one of those things.

I got good grades.
I went to a good school.
I graduated to become a broke-ass punk-rocker.
I was happy about a lot of things and thought I just needed to be more accomplished and be able to pay my bills.

Now I think I need some custom rims for my Town Car and probably a new Town Car to go with them.
I am so sick of biters who wish they could claim my accomplishments that I am afraid to state here what design I want for fear someone else will rip it off.

Now I think I need a three million dollar house so I can get a big dog who will love me the way I want to be loved.

Now I think I should have been a man.
My personality is so much better suited to being male.
Girls tend to change who they are based on who they are dating that week.
Boys tend to have stronger core senses of self.
Boys also tend to think they can’t be friends with girls, but they sure wouldn’t mind getting some sex.
A lot of times they don’t even really want the sex, just feel obligated to pursue it.

I’ve got that horrible weepy sort of PMS that makes me feel like the biggest pussy in the universe.
Pardon the word choice.
I like to say cunt when I’m speaking from a position of power.

AMELIA G AND FORREST BLACK MODEL CALLS

Okay, I’m going to go through my friends list in a few for Portland cuties I have talked to before, but please please feel free to post to this thread. Please also repost this model call at will, especially to local groups. I know I usually tell folks not to post model queries in my personal journal, but this is an exception. Normally, submissions go to the general mailbox at sadistintern@blueblood.net, but I didn’t have anyone check it for a couple weeks and it got so many tens of thousands of emails that it blew up and needs to be repaired, so do not email at this time.

Forrest made the mistake of taking a nap on a Saturday night, so I made reservations to go to Vegas and Portland. There is a possibility that either Szandora or Forrest will nix my plans by 11pm Monday, but after that the tickets are nonrefundable, bwa, ha, ha, ha . . .

MODEL REQUIREMENTS

You must be interested in both fashion and nude modeling.

You must be rockin’ one or more of the following looks: gothic, punk, fetish, good tattoos, other damn weirdo individual.

You must be comfortable modeling at least topless and clear on what your personal limits are.

These are either paid gigs or content trade gigs if you have your own site.

Please post a picture(s) of yourself or a link to a picture(s) along with what magazines and web sites you are most interested in appearing in, what levels of nudity and/or explicit actitivy you are comfortable with/interested in doing on camera, and say whether you are in Portland or Vegas and whether you have your own site.

My journal autoscreens, so no one but me will see your post, so feel free to post personal stuff.

VEGAS MODELS November 9-11

PORTLAND MODELS November 11-15

Okay, I’m going to go through my friends list in a few for Portland cuties I have talked to before, but please please feel free to post to this thread. Please also repost this model call at will, especially to local groups. I know I usually tell folks not to post model queries in my personal journal, but this is an exception. Normally, submissions go to the general mailbox at sadistintern@blueblood.net, but I didn’t have anyone check it for a couple weeks and it got so many tens of thousands of emails that it blew up and needs to be repaired, so do not email at this time.

Forrest made the mistake of taking a nap on a Saturday night, so I made reservations to go to Vegas and Portland. There is a possibility that either Szandora or Forrest will nix my plans by 11pm Monday, but after that the tickets are nonrefundable, bwa, ha, ha, ha . . .

MODEL REQUIREMENTS
You must be interested in both fashion and nude modeling.
You must be rockin’ one or more of the following looks: gothic, punk, fetish, good tattoos, other damn weirdo individual.
You must be comfortable modeling at least topless and clear on what your personal limits are.
These are either paid gigs or content trade gigs if you have your own site.
Please post a picture(s) of yourself or a link to a picture(s) along with what magazines and web sites you are most interested in appearing in, what levels of nudity and/or explicit actitivy you are comfortable with/interested in doing on camera, and say whether you are in Portland or Vegas and whether you have your own site.
My journal autoscreens, so no one but me will see your post, so feel free to post personal stuff.

VEGAS MODELS November 9-11

PORTLAND MODELS November 11-15

Among other things, we are shooting for RubberDollies.com and GothicSluts.com and BarelyEvil.com

Better Mood

PMS is much better.

Throat still hurts, but delivery chicken soup is helping and Forrest got me Advil and Tylenol and vinegar potato chips to scratch my throat with. Thanks Forrest!

Kind of enjoying the whole rainy night thing too.

PMS is much better.

Throat still hurts, but delivery chicken soup is helping and Forrest got me Advil and Tylenol and vinegar potato chips to scratch my throat with. Thanks Forrest!

Kind of enjoying the whole rainy night thing too.

Happy Halloween! Evil Gothic Pumpkin

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Feel better, Szandora.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

Feel better, Szandora.

When I got to college, it was my 12th school in 12 years. Moving so much made me pretty shy as a kid because the characteristics that would make me the coolest girl in the world in one place would be a huge problem at the next. So I never knew how people were going to react and often wished I just didn’t have to interact.

When I hit puberty, I forced myself to stop being shy because it became kinda necessary then, ya know.

Since being online a lot and living in Los Angeles, I have become more shy again. I think it is because the internet satisfies some of my desire for human contact without awkward pauses. I think it is because a horrible adult faux pas in Los Angeles can follow a person forever in a way that a kid’s social oops somewhere else does not.

I find that most of the time when I have a bout of shyness about meeting someone in person, it is because either (a) how the interaction goes is particularly important and particularly unpredictable or (b) it is an interaction that I should avoid. Given that it tends to be one or the other, it is hard to decide which ones to force myself to do.

Shower or Suicide, What’ll I Do?

Bonus points for anyone who knows what that title is an allusion to.

Going to take a hot bath now. Maybe watch some TiVo after.

Happy Fucking Halloween

Every Halloween, I get the blues like regular people get ’em for Xmas. I just want everything to be so perfect and it used to be so important to me and now I just feel bleah.

I’ve got a really bad sore throat.

I’ve got PMS.

I had a lot of fun in Vancouver, but I’m having trouble adjusting to being online again now that I am home. It was making me nuts being without internet or cell phone, but I think maybe it was healthy. What if I am psychologically allergic to the internet? We are often addicted to the things we are allergic to.

If I am making so many new friends and my prospects are looking so up, why am I so depressed?

I know it is probably just a Halloween thing and a girl thing, but I’m so sad. I just don’t want to have to be me.

Bonus points for anyone who knows what that title is an allusion to.

Going to take a hot bath now. Maybe watch some TiVo after.

Every Halloween, I get the blues like regular people get ’em for Xmas. I just want everything to be so perfect and it used to be so important to me and now I just feel bleah.

I’ve got a really bad sore throat.

I’ve got PMS.

I had a lot of fun in Vancouver, but I’m having trouble adjusting to being online again now that I am home. It was making me nuts being without internet or cell phone, but I think maybe it was healthy. What if I am psychologically allergic to the internet? We are often addicted to the things we are allergic to.

If I am making so many new friends and my prospects are looking so up, why am I so depressed?

I know it is probably just a Halloween thing and a girl thing, but I’m so sad. I just don’t want to have to be me.

🙁

I have PMS, a hideous sore throat, and a fever. This sucks.