journal Archive

I frequently tell people I am crazy, but I don’t actually usually feel particularly loopy. Never accepted a prescription for loopiness etc.

I believe psychological pain is generally nature’s way of telling you to change something you are doing.

As is probably obvious from recent, I’ve been feeling like crawling out of my skin lately though.

Now I just have to figure out how to change the bad things without changing the good ones too much.

Thanks for calling, Szandora. It helped to talk and I’m looking forward to seeing you.

Double thanks to my bro. Not sure what time it is in Japan, but I think it is really late and I appreciate you taking a couple hours to talk to me. It made a big difference. No doubt AT&T will appreciate it even more when I get my bill. 🙂

Psychotic break

I guess I should probably go watch TiVo or something if I can’t get anything productive done.

Otherwise, it is just a matter of time before I drive myself into a public psychotic break and that just won’t do.

Thanks for all the supportive comments, folks. I’m going to attempt to take care of myself for a few and see how that goes.

I guess I should probably go watch TiVo or something if I can’t get anything productive done.

Otherwise, it is just a matter of time before I drive myself into a public psychotic break and that just won’t do.

Thanks for all the supportive comments, folks. I’m going to attempt to take care of myself for a few and see how that goes.

Grabbing my tit

So the other day, I was trying to help a friend out with some hookup and some advice for his band. I was not dressed slutty at all. In the middle of me trying to talk business which was going to be way more of an advantage for him than for me, he grabbed my tit and commented that he felt my nipple because I was wearing a fairly casual stretch bra. I’ve lost a bunch of weight and need to buy new bras. At the time, I sort of laughed it off because the situation was already sort of tense and I didn’t make a big deal of it. Only I thought we were friends. I was trying to do him a favor and he disrespects me as a woman. The more I think about it, the more I’m pissed off about it. Could just be the headspace I am in now, but . . .

Anyone here ever take the drug Levaquin?

So the other day, I was trying to help a friend out with some hookup and some advice for his band. I was not dressed slutty at all. In the middle of me trying to talk business which was going to be way more of an advantage for him than for me, he grabbed my tit and commented that he felt my nipple because I was wearing a fairly casual stretch bra. I’ve lost a bunch of weight and need to buy new bras. At the time, I sort of laughed it off because the situation was already sort of tense and I didn’t make a big deal of it. Only I thought we were friends. I was trying to do him a favor and he disrespects me as a woman. The more I think about it, the more I’m pissed off about it. Could just be the headspace I am in now, but . . .

Drenched in fever sweat

I think I am really sick.

I can’t stay asleep for more than a few hours in a row.

I should probably not be posting to the internet just now. Or for the last few days.

I kept thinking I was cranky from PMS, except it seemed kind of like a lot too much so, and I keep thinking I’m going to be bleeding in about five minutes, only now my period is late.

Anyone here ever take the drug Levaquin?

I think I am really sick.

I can’t stay asleep for more than a few hours in a row.

I should probably not be posting to the internet just now. Or for the last few days.

I kept thinking I was cranky from PMS, except it seemed kind of like a lot too much so, and I keep thinking I’m going to be bleeding in about five minutes, only now my period is late.

Antibiotics for black and white ethics

I’m really sick. Just got on these new antibiotics as the last two courses proved insufficient. These new ones cost more than ten dollars a pill. No, I do not have health insurance.

Anyway, these new antibiotics are kinda cool because they make me speedy in addition to killing whatever the fuck is making me ill. So I’m getting a little bit more done. Finalized my Portland reservations. Going to be staying in a really cool jacuzzi suite. Jacuzzi is huge and on the balcony with a city view. Going to be flying pretty convenient nonstops. Still need to finish Vegas reservations, but I will do that in a moment. I need to finish tallying up the winners of the RubberDollies.com banner contest. Math is a little beyond me right now.

I know I’m sick. I guess PMS is part of it, but I don’t usually get PMS like this. I’m going out of my head. I’m too dazed to focus on anything really productive. I’m trying to catalog what exactly I am so spazzed out about. Here is what I can come up with:

(1) For a long time, I tried to bite my tongue and always smooth things over, always be conciliatory, always try not to have a problem. I realize I’ve gotten chumped a bunch by a bunch of people I’ve done a lot for. I feel like I get punished over and over again for my good deeds.

(2) I’m feeling a huge crisis of faith. If the scene and the people I believed in and wanted to do good things for are less good and less pure and less cool and less real than I believed, then what the hell am I working on?

(3) I keep reaching out to make more human contact and then being freaked out by it. I feel like people are attracted to my glow but freaked out by my proximity.

(4) I feel like I keep being asked to pay for company with sex. I sort of thought I was a better conversationalist than that.

(5) I have always tried to live my life my a very strict black and white code of ethics. This does not stop other people from making up lies about what I do and do not do. If a tree does good in the forest but there is no one there to see it, how good does the tree get to feel? Why does everyone else get to be shady and dishonest and I just keep trying to do the right thing. Then people hear both sides of the story and assume the truth lies somewhere in between. No. The truth is what I fucking said, but apparently that does not work.

(6) I’m feeling betrayed on a number of fronts. All minor betrayals, but the lack of trust I can have in others makes me feel like I give too much.

(7) I feel like time is running out for me to figure out what I am going to do when I grow up.

I’m delirious with fever and speedy antibiotics. I should probably make this private in the morning.

I’m really sick. Just got on these new antibiotics as the last two courses proved insufficient. These new ones cost more than ten dollars a pill. No, I do not have health insurance.

Anyway, these new antibiotics are kinda cool because they make me speedy in addition to killing whatever the fuck is making me ill. So I’m getting a little bit more done. Finalized my Portland reservations. Going to be staying in a really cool jacuzzi suite. Jacuzzi is huge and on the balcony with a city view. Going to be flying pretty convenient nonstops. Still need to finish Vegas reservations, but I will do that in a moment. I need to finish tallying up the winners of the RubberDollies.com banner contest. Math is a little beyond me right now.

I know I’m sick. I guess PMS is part of it, but I don’t usually get PMS like this. I’m going out of my head. I’m too dazed to focus on anything really productive. I’m trying to catalog what exactly I am so spazzed out about. Here is what I can come up with:

(1) For a long time, I tried to bite my tongue and always smooth things over, always be conciliatory, always try not to have a problem. I realize I’ve gotten chumped a bunch by a bunch of people I’ve done a lot for. I feel like I get punished over and over again for my good deeds.

(2) I’m feeling a huge crisis of faith. If the scene and the people I believed in and wanted to do good things for are less good and less pure and less cool and less real than I believed, then what the hell am I working on?

(3) I keep reaching out to make more human contact and then being freaked out by it. I feel like people are attracted to my glow but freaked out by my proximity.

(4) I feel like I keep being asked to pay for company with sex. I sort of thought I was a better conversationalist than that.

(5) I have always tried to live my life my a very strict black and white code of ethics. This does not stop other people from making up lies about what I do and do not do. If a tree does good in the forest but there is no one there to see it, how good does the tree get to feel? Why does everyone else get to be shady and dishonest and I just keep trying to do the right thing. Then people hear both sides of the story and assume the truth lies somewhere in between. No. The truth is what I fucking said, but apparently that does not work.

(6) I’m feeling betrayed on a number of fronts. All minor betrayals, but the lack of trust I can have in others makes me feel like I give too much.

(7) I feel like time is running out for me to figure out what I am going to do when I grow up.

I’m delirious with fever and speedy antibiotics. I should probably make this private in the morning.

Fucking Up the Curve

So I always feel like no matter how much I accomplish, I am never good enough.

So why is it that other people are generally overwhelmed and intimidated by me?

How the fuck is it that I feel like I should somehow do more and be more and other people are always like stop fucking up the curve for everyone else?

So I always feel like no matter how much I accomplish, I am never good enough.

So why is it that other people are generally overwhelmed and intimidated by me?

How the fuck is it that I feel like I should somehow do more and be more and other people are always like stop fucking up the curve for everyone else?

18 or Dead

Had a great shoot tonight. Beautiful girl of a flavor I love to shoot, unique and individualistic and passionate and intense with a lot of star quality, great model and actual potential friend.

Fell asleep pretty soon after.

Still got a sad girl thing going on though.

Still got a sad artist thing going on.

Still got a disillusioned with what I used to care about thing going on.

I feel like I missed the boat believing in higher ideals while everyone else was out to for $$ or one-upping the next guy.

Some sexist bullshit from various adult webmasters I know is making me beserk.

Some sexist bullshit from various rocker guys I know is making me beserk.

I know I just have bizarrely bad PMS. Way worse than normal and way way worse than I’ve had it for a while. I don’t usually drink, so maybe all the “fun” I’ve been having lately has caused this.

Whatever it is, I find myself wishing more and more often that I were either 18 or dead.