I’m really sick. Just got on these new antibiotics as the last two courses proved insufficient. These new ones cost more than ten dollars a pill. No, I do not have health insurance.
Anyway, these new antibiotics are kinda cool because they make me speedy in addition to killing whatever the fuck is making me ill. So I’m getting a little bit more done. Finalized my Portland reservations. Going to be staying in a really cool jacuzzi suite. Jacuzzi is huge and on the balcony with a city view. Going to be flying pretty convenient nonstops. Still need to finish Vegas reservations, but I will do that in a moment. I need to finish tallying up the winners of the RubberDollies.com banner contest. Math is a little beyond me right now.
I know I’m sick. I guess PMS is part of it, but I don’t usually get PMS like this. I’m going out of my head. I’m too dazed to focus on anything really productive. I’m trying to catalog what exactly I am so spazzed out about. Here is what I can come up with:
(1) For a long time, I tried to bite my tongue and always smooth things over, always be conciliatory, always try not to have a problem. I realize I’ve gotten chumped a bunch by a bunch of people I’ve done a lot for. I feel like I get punished over and over again for my good deeds.
(2) I’m feeling a huge crisis of faith. If the scene and the people I believed in and wanted to do good things for are less good and less pure and less cool and less real than I believed, then what the hell am I working on?
(3) I keep reaching out to make more human contact and then being freaked out by it. I feel like people are attracted to my glow but freaked out by my proximity.
(4) I feel like I keep being asked to pay for company with sex. I sort of thought I was a better conversationalist than that.
(5) I have always tried to live my life my a very strict black and white code of ethics. This does not stop other people from making up lies about what I do and do not do. If a tree does good in the forest but there is no one there to see it, how good does the tree get to feel? Why does everyone else get to be shady and dishonest and I just keep trying to do the right thing. Then people hear both sides of the story and assume the truth lies somewhere in between. No. The truth is what I fucking said, but apparently that does not work.
(6) I’m feeling betrayed on a number of fronts. All minor betrayals, but the lack of trust I can have in others makes me feel like I give too much.
(7) I feel like time is running out for me to figure out what I am going to do when I grow up.
I’m delirious with fever and speedy antibiotics. I should probably make this private in the morning.