journal Archive

Who came up with the idea that punk equals two-faced? In the real world, pre-internet, I don’t recall it being like that. But the internet has brought this whole injection of a charicature of Los Angeles fakeness to the scene.

People who actually live in Los Angeles and work in serious entertainment industry positions are good at playing the game. There is a certain breezy pleasantness to those plastic Angelenos who do it really well which I actually totally enjoy. You do well. You give some people the hookup. You are friendly when you run into people. All goes well. It is clear how to have good manners with people like that and it is comfortable although not deep. But you know it is not deep, so no harm no foul.

But what is up with the whole gothic/punk/alt/fetish/etc. community online? The thing seems to have spawned these mean-spirited people who think they are Joan Crawford on a devilish, back-stabbing, child-beating bender. They are not actually competing for the lead role in a major motion picture, but they will say the most appalling things about people they pretend to be friends with.

I say “pretend to be friends with”, but I think that is where I just really disconnect. They really are friends by their definitions. I think that someone who talks trash with an aura of authority is not a friend. I do not have the ability to cope with the cognitive dissonance of hanging out with someone who I know in my heart is a terrible person. But there are people I come across regularly online who I would never hang out with on purpose in real life. I think a friend should be someone you can depend on, someone who will give you a shoulder to cry on or a pep talk, someone who will genuinely not want to hear someone speak ill of you, someone who will take joy in your triumphs, someone who you always want to do right by because you both know that, if the situations were reversed, they would do the same for you.

A bunch of people I’m not even thinking of right now are indubitably going to be amazingingly personally offended by this little post about what I am contemplating this minute. A bunch of people who might fit what I am talking about completely will indubitably read this and think that they sure know some other people who are like this.

Basically, I am unwilling to lie to myself. If it is obvious that someone is not really a friend, then the relationship needs to be either casual or nonexistent. There is nothing wrong with having positive acquaintances who are fun to interact with and where you both know that you best call someone else if you need bail. That is casual. But the number of people in the scene who have to lie to themselves and lie BIG in order to stand the people around them, even after six shots and two lines . . . well, I think they would be happier if they admitted to themselves what they truly know already: the people they call friends are not their friends.

A friend is not someone who simply sounds more authoritative when they make up smack talk, after trying to get your parents to disinherit you, after trying to fuck your significant other, after trying to sell your proprietary biz info to competitiors, after telling everyone how very much they wish your life would suck and how much they would like to kill you.

Friends. Learn the definition, people.

/rambling stream of consciousness post

I made a really good New Years resolution this year and it’s really put a lot of things into perspective. I didn’t promise myself I would lose weight or anything like that. I just made a pact with myself to stop feeling bad about success. I never thought I would be one of those fear of success people, but I didn’t understand how anti-success so much of my community is. So I resolved to stop feeling bad about success, stop being afraid of success, stop apologizing for my success, and generally stop letting other people make me feel sad about my success. Success should bring feelings of joy and gratitude. I worked for it. I earned it. And I still appreciate the world around me when things go my way.

Joy, happiness, pleasure, gratitude, appreciation, and a general sense of well-being are appropriate responses to success.

I feel really good and really right with myself. This one teensy resolution has really helped put a lot of things in perspective and made easy choices which once would have been difficult. I feel like I was working on a puzzle for ages and all I needed for the whole thing to come together is the one piece I finally found. It is like everything is just falling into place. Feels weird though. A little bit difficult to get my head around but a good thing.

I had a really great shoot today with my new toys. We tooled around town getting into mischief, weather notwithstanding. I kind of love this sort of day to be honest. Yes, I know I live in sunny Southern Cali on purpose. Anyway we had a lot of fun, started the day with coffee, and finished the day with Thai food. I was so excited about the stuff we shot today that I just had to get some of it posted right away. Been updating members area stuff every single day lately and I feel really good about being able to give our members really good value. Just had to get over that cold. So anyway first set from today’s killer shoot is now posted at Blue Blood’s GothicSluts.com and here is a sample!

I just posted a new set Forrest and I shot of Delilah to GothicSluts.com. Love this series. I want a Heineken endorsement.

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I just posted a new set Forrest and I shot of Delilah to GothicSluts.com. Love this series. I want a Heineken endorsement.

I wish I could digitally smack each and every person who has no freaking idea who Hunter S. Thompson was or what his cultural significance was . . . but who wants to pretend that this is a special dark day for them and give them extra sympathy because they are so fucking literate. I remember a time when no one expected everyone in the club to be faking having a nice big brain. I remember when there was an actual point of commonality if a topic like this came up.

I’ve got enough of a cold to not be firing on all cylinders but not enough of a cold to feel like just curling up and doing nothing. It has been raining bizarrely hard for days. Between the decongestant and the freakish weather, I feel like I am in some sort of alternate dimension.

I canceled my physical therapy for tomorrow. I need to finish answering the questions for two email interviews. I need to fill out the paperwork for a convention I’m speaking at. I need to edit some photos and articles.

What I really want to do is run around naked in the rain.

I have this sinking feeling that if Hunter S. Thompson felt it was time to give up the good fight, then we are all fucked. Of course, I have a cold, so maybe that is the fever speaking.

ForrestBlack just posted our dark magick set of Dana Dark to Blue Blood’s BarelyEvil.com. Here is a sample shot from that series. Another sample image is at Blue Blood and the whole set of course appears on Barely Evil. Damn, but I love this set, if I do say so myself 🙂

I put this in a community and wanted to post it in my personal journal too. Just finished a new set ForrestBlack and I shot of the awesome Nina Sin. The whole series is posted on Blue Blood’s GothicSluts.com now.

Another sample image from this series is at this link.

I finished posting the next to last day of my Vegas snapshots. Can’t believe it has been this long, but I’ve just been so swamped. Mostly with work I am happy about, but a whole heck of a lot of it. The pix from this night were from the most fun party of the trip, thrown by my friend the incomparable Abby. I’m going to do an actual article about it on Blue Blood dot net later. For now you can play name that rockstar at this link.

The internet makes it so that I feel like I can never talk anything out. I just keep any concern I have bottled up. Probably taking years off my life doing that, but I feel like I am always on trial. Other people can fuck up all the time, but I’m not allowed to have a five minute lapse in judgment. Then again, I guess I hold myself to a higher standard too.

Oh fuck it. I can’t even make this post. I wanted this to be a personal journal, but everyone uses the stupid journaling services as public announcement boards these days. Which is better than the organized spam of myspace, but still, ugh. I wanted to have a journal for my not-ready-for-primetime thoughts and insights. I wanted to be able to get the kind of feedback I used to be able to get by walking into the living room of my punk rock group house. Only, if I post an idea for something I’m going to work on in the future, the people who read my journal for ideas all have to jump on my train. At least if I wait until after I’ve done the thing, then the trainjumpers are more obvious. But it sucks for getting useful input beforehand. Plus everyone reading assumes that everything must be about them personally and maybe they should either take offense or feel overly important or convince someone else to get bent out of shape or envious. And, because so many people use this as their be-all end-all form of communication with the world, people are unlikely to read an unfinished thought as the rough draft it is.

I had a wonderful Valentine’s Day dinner. Got a couple of new site reviews and magazines articles about my stuff this week. Physical therapy went really well today. I got a bunch of new equipment in this week. I need new shoes and an espresso machine.

I need to interact with more people who are actually trying to be happy. I feel a lot of empathy and constantly interfacing with people who are rolling around in misery is really a bummer because my heart goes out to them. But some people just never stop having problems. They never make the effort to stop having problems. They never grasp the brass ring, even when I hand it to them.