Computer gurus have suggestions?

So the deities of irony are basically mocking me with the computer problems I just started having.

My FireFox will crash itself when I am not even in the room.

Pages will take forever to load. Saving a Photoshop JPEG will take like ten minutes when it should be pretty much instant.

Everything I type lags way behind how fast I am typing it and sometimes drops letters or portions of sentences.

All MicroSoft Office products flicker unbearbably whenever I use them.

I prefer to write in Word, so this sucks a lot.

Task Manager does not appear to be working when I call it up. It just displays all funky and won’t let me use it to close much.

I keep having to hard boot and, when I do, on restart, SpyBot Search and Destroy keeps trying to delete a MicroSoft Office file called ctfmon.exe

Yes, I am fully aware or the irony in this happening right after I wrote an article praising MicroSoft.

Anyone have any ideas of what is wrong or how I can fix it?

So far, SpyBot, AdAware, Panda, and Malwarebytes have been unable to deal with it and Housecall refuses to load for some reason, claiming it does not work with my OS, when it has cleaned this specific machine with the same setup in the past. My computer is also claiming to feel MicroSoft support is a security risk.