Pretty much the perfect woman. False alarm.

So a bunch of what is bothering me is sort of a combo of little things, but I think they are as follows:

(1) The medications I am on for bone healing and my cold seem to be making me feel and act really not myself and my period is pretty late at this point.

(2) I feel like a lot of the time the people who should help me the most are actually the ones who hurt me the most.

(3) As I’ve gotten more of the things I want it has gotten a lot harder for me to really make friends. There are people who want to fuck me and people who want to get some business thing out of me and people who want to drop my name and people who want to dangle a carrot of something they could do in front of me and see if I dance. But every time I think I’ve met someone I can maybe hang out with from time to time and confide in a little, it turns out to be a tease. It makes me too shy to meet anyone in person that I actually like from online and want to be friends with. I’m having trouble reconciling getting fanmail and being afraid to reach out to anyone new at the same time.

Example 3a: There is a girl I used to shoot who I really really liked. I told her things I didn’t tell anyone else. The last person I mentioned this to assumed I meant I’d been molested or something, but really I just mean intimate feelings and genuine info about what was up with me. Then this girl decided at the poisonous urging of someone who deludes herself into thinking she has a competitive site that clearly our relationship was just a business one. I offered her anything she wanted, no matter how unreasonable, to make her happy, but what she wanted was apparently to be unhappy. She recently visited Los Angeles and couldn’t be bothered to come outside and say hello to me when other people she was with did.

Example 3b: There is an adult webmaster who asked me to come hang out with him at least once a week just about every week between May and September. Finally, in September, I went for drinks with him. I felt like we really clicked and had a good time, but, at the end of the night, he pitched a huge fit about me not sleeping with him. After that though, we chatted a bunch on ICQ and I thought we were going to be cool anway. Then, on my recent trip to Vancouver, he was all psycho and jealous about me whenever I came up in conversation and actively tried to get people not to hang out with me and people kept asking me if I was having a thing with the guy or had been dating him or something. Not that he seemed to want to hang out with me either, other than one failed attempt at the beginning of the weekend to get me to fuck him. An attempt to which he did not even bother to bring a condom. Turns out the guy actually has a girlfriend outside the industry anyway. But he is still apparently telling people they shouldn’t hang out with me. Beats me what he is saying that it is working, but a couple of people have basically told me that they are scared to admit to hanging out with me because of how this guy will react.

Example 3c: The person in Los Angeles who I feel has been most hospitable to me in the past years has really stepped up the hitting-on-Amelia. Last time I went to a party at his place, he tried to kiss me when his girlfriend was asleep a few rooms away. I dodged the kiss and it landed on my cheek and I thought it was all okay. Then he starts this rap about how I am pretty much the perfect woman. When we ended up alone for a few minutes, he starts telling me that the age difference between him and his girlfriend makes it so she doesn’t understand him. My girlfriend doesn’t understand me? What kind of cliche garbage is that? Then, next time I see him, he has to grab my tit when I’m trying to do him a favor as a friend.

Example 3d: When I moved to LA, I was helped out by a girl who had been one of my closest friends for over a decade. Yes, I had gotten myself into a bad situation and needed a hand, but I had helped her out of similar situations before. Twice. So really, if one wanted to be petty about it, I’m still one up. But it was like the relationship was not supposed to be two ways and she couldn’t forgive me for wanting it to be equal and not always me on top and in charge. I’d still like to be friends with this girl, but rehashing the past with her just sounds painful, but I think I’ll have to if I want to be friends again and even then it may not work. Only the whole new friends thing is not going how I want.

(4) I feel a real lack of purity in a lot of my existence now. I want to do things because they are good, because they are cool and because I share values with the people I’m doing them with. But somehow the internet has turned everyone into a business spy. If I tell someone I’m thinking about doing more fantasy/sf work, suddenly everyone they know is scrambling in that direction. If I tell someone I’m thinking about using a particular designer, suddenly that designer is having power outtages while working on my stuff and working for the other guy. But if I have anything the other person could do for me, I feel like any friendly overture I make is not okay then. I miss being a broke-ass punk-rocker in a group house in many ways and that just seems fucked up.

(5) I feel like I could really be being cooler myself to the people I love while trying to sort this all out. I’m really not trying to throw the baby out with the bathwater, just really don’t know what to do.

(6) I feel like every social situation is a test of whether or not I will put something in my body. I like people based on my perception of whether they are good or have a sense of humor or are kind or are friendly or fun or intelligent etc. Apparently other people have a multiple choice test on whether or not I will put beer or hard liquor or coke or pot or heroin or meth or one of their body parts into me and that determines association. Sometimes the answer is supposed to be no and sometimes yes, but that is the test. I don’t remember high school being this stupid.

(7) I feel like everything I do is so under scrutiny that I can fuck up way less than most people do, but it is still a giant problem when I do.

(8) I feel like I am fucking up.

(9) I can’t sleep through the night.

I am hoping a trip will cure whatever it is that ails me. If not, I can always use the Automated Suicide Note Generator if I can’t figure out any succint way to express what pains me.