Wow, I just posted something of personal importance to me. The folks who usually read my journal may be interested in my thoughts and my real life friends may care. Maybe people will comment with their perspectives. Kind of a cool system.
Only, as I hit post, I thought about the fact that some lawyer is likely reading it with an eye out for anything he can pounce on to ruin yet another day. Not that there was anything incriminating in it, but it makes me feel so self-conscious and ready to second-guess myself on anything I want to say.
It makes me feel sick. It makes me feel like not keeping a journal.
It makes me feel like I’m being pushed to just be some sort of creative machine. I feel like it is so extra-hard for me to just do regular person things. Between the stress and the weird watchful eyes, even though I was making a real effort to be sociable this week, I had a really horrible hit/miss ratio on my human contact. I’m hardly Madonna, so I really feel like I should have a bunch of houses and bodyguards before I have to deal with this garbage. Robot Amelia is supposed to create art people enjoy and support the scene and promote everyone in it and do favors for everyone in it, but I’m not supposed to be an actual person with actual feelings and thoughts.