So Justin Bieber claims that his laptop and camera were stolen during one of his shows. He says it has “a lot of personal footage” on the stolen items. The image below is purportedly of his pop star cock. Is circumcision uncommon in Canada?
Internet sleuths feel that the ridiculous little hip tattoo on the image matches a ridiculous little hip tattoo Justin Bieber apparently actually has. It was reportedly inked at Son of a Gun Tattoo when he was sixteen. Given that I think I could draw that little bird in flight freehand — and I don’t, ya know, draw — I’m thinking the presence of the smudge on his hip is not disproof of Photoshop. The general build looks right. And it is shopped well, if it is a Photochop.
But seriously, I call astroturf, whether or not that is Justin Bieber’s penis. I find it very difficult to believe that the best-managed pop star in the world had a dick slip . . . by accident. Yes, kids, most celebrity sex tapes are presented as stolen because fame-obsessed prudes everywhere disapprove of flashing your junk on purpose. Even though they totally want to see it.
Don’t get me wrong. I am really impressed by the way Justin Bieber is managed. And I am really impressed that, unlike a lot of insecure talent, once he started becoming popular, Justin Bieber didn’t run off with the first smooth talker to whisper in his ear — Justin Bieber continues to dance with the one who brung him. And that has made his popularity enduring and means everyone in the deal is a winner. No point in getting Jesus tattoos and then whipping out your penis and waggling it to the world, if you want to keep your religious audience who like your wholesome image.
But, if you have a nice cock, hey, doesn’t the world need to see that? So, uhm, yeah, it is totally lame that some disrespectful person stole Justin Beiber’s laptop and camera and showed everyone how well-hung he is. That must be, like, totally embarrassing.
Queue Biebis Bienis Benis jokes.