Sometimes I feel like I am living on vampire time with a Pink Floyd soundtrack.
I’m working on decluttering and an intrinsic part of the process is finding, sorting, and often tossing all the detritus of paths not followed or opportunities missed. Like I’ll find an email scrawled on a cocktail napkin. And the email will be for someone I genuinely meant to work with on something, a photo shoot for example. Only I got the cocktail napkin in a nightclub nine years ago and that person doesn’t live near me any more and they don’t look like that any more.
I know I’ve done a lot of things, but there are so many more things I’ve been meaning to do . . . someday.
Working on this makes me simultaneously feel like I missed the starting gun and time is somehow passing more slowly for me than for others. I feel like maybe there are some situations where I zagged, when I should have zigged, but I still feel like I could end up doing anything. I feel a world of choice and adventure spread before me, like I just need to pick my projects and take the plunge.
Only then I worry that I’m supposed to already be who I am going to become, that I’m supposed to be done now. Sometimes I feel resentful that other people who should be my peers will hold me to a higher standard, when it is really time for a high five. What happens when some of your wildest dreams come true, only the execution just isn’t like the fantasy was?
In a way, I feel like if I stopped right now, if I never accomplished one single solitary thing in my life again, then I would still have done a lot. I guess I just feel like I still have a lot more potential, a more things I want to do and see and taste and hear and touch and learn . . . and be.